The pretty people of Manchester were left reeling today as various bus companies around Manchester declared war on each other.
In a statement released this morning, the federal republic of Stagecoach announced its military intentions after escalating rivalry between themselves and the coalition of the cheap ones. The news comes after several weeks of minor skirmishes between the two groups for passengers, which cumulated in a group of commuters being forced onto a Finglands bus by a privately hired JCB.

“These aggressive tactics will not be tolerated,” the statement from Stagecoach read. “The use of builders’ tools to coerce the public onto buses is not an acceptable way to win over passengers.”

Relations between the companies have always been tense and competition for passengers has been the focal point of the friction. News of armed militia battles between the two groups will do little to dispel public fears of rising fare prices and dirty seats.

In the Finglands depot this morning, buses were being camouflaged and fitted with caterpillar tracks in response to the statement. “It’s an acceptable tactic,” said local bus driver Pete. “We’re just trying to ensure the safety and comfort of our passengers”. Rumours that Stagecoach were equipping all their drivers with rocket propelled grenade launchers were met with resound disapproval.
“It’s a bit strong,” said Pete.

Commuters shrugged nonchalantly at the news until we offered them a Dairy Milk for a good quote.
“It’s horrifying,” Jill, a personal assistant, acted. “This is nice chocolate,” she later added.

The student community has reacted strongly to the news
(To be honest when do they not?).
“This is just another example of how students are not taken seriously,” said Brian, a third year maths student.
He moaned a bit more but we got bored and started singing Electric Six into the Dictaphone.

This is not the first bout of controversy to strike the bus community.
Last year the two rival groups were given a police warning after it was discovered buses were racing each other down routes rather than picking up passengers.
Police were tipped off after a bus driver was seen wearing a racing helmet and singing the self composed song
“I like to race my bus and not pick up passengers. Because I’m racing my bus. Fast.”

Further crackdowns on racing buses were attempted after rumours the high speed races were becoming a national trend.
These crackdowns were suspended indefinitely after the accidental apprehension of Jenson Button and Ralf Schumacher.
Police later apologised for interrupting the televised race.