POLICE STUMPED AT RECENT TRAFFIC CONE THEFTS
Local police were baffled today as a survey by Student Direct, suggested that the abduction of innocent traffic cones in the greater Manchester area were at an all time high
The survey, copied and pasted from the ever reputable Daily Mail, criticized authorities for their inability to protect such an defenceless member of society, calling the pilfering of traffic cones (or coneillingus as it has been renamed in professional circles) as ‘unreservedly inexcusable’ ‘Morally indescribable’ and ‘bad’.
The report, focusing on the ordeal of a cone because of an attempted coneillingus act, demonstrated the complete lack of protection available for such a valued member of the British society.
‘The amount of traffic cones being subjected to random acts of coneillingus is a disgrace’, a senior cleaner in the Mail building said.
‘It’s probably Tony Benn’s fault’, he continued
Though this did leave Manchester After Dark puzzled as to why Tony Benn would be performing coneillingus at his age, we continued our investigations.
Words stolen out of the mouths of local police, describe the thefts as ‘horrific’, ‘distasteful’ and ‘a great way to spend official police time’.
Indeed, to further our investigation, we seamlessly disguised one of our top reporters as a traffic cone and giving him a Burberry hat for good measure we left him to his own devices around Owen’s park. (The dodgiest place we could find).
Suffice it to say he was no longer there when we could be arsed to come back the next day after breakfast.
Continued undercover research with another disposable reporter discovered a horrific trend of the trafficking of traffic cones and uncovered numerous illegal cone rings. In true alarmist Daily Mail / Student Direct (delete as appropriate) style we jumped to the only logical conclusion. These cones were being abducted as part of a churlish fashion whim. We can only presume that the fast paced and ever changing world of Manchester fashion has turned its sticky fingers to traffic cones in order to provide the young with their newest trend.
The wearing of traffic cones in Manchester is proving to be a status symbol for the youth of the city. This replaces pervious hobbies of rowing and picnics.
Sergio Smith, founder of the made up group ‘Cone Awareness’ claimed the development was an ‘Unnatural perversion of cones’ and that ‘this was a sad day for cone suffrage’. Sergio continued, ‘Cones are more than just traffic control. They are plastic too and should be treated to the same rights as other road traffic devices. You wouldn’t see coneillingus happening to an 80 year old lollipop lady’.
And for good reason.
Manchester AD met up with a self confessed cone stealer. We cannot reveal his name for legal reasons and only do so with a firm lack of ethnics. “Its such a head rush’ Lawrence said. ‘I mean this one cone I naffed the other night outside my flat was wearing a cap and started swearing at me in a Irish accent. It’s a different reaction every time.’
Lawrence revealed that there was a large market for stolen cones claiming people would pay up to ‘$300 dollars for a singular cone on Ebay.’
‘But he was a bit of a clown (–Ed) , he added.
Police sources also hint to a more sinister use of abducted traffic cones with many forced to participate in the murky world of crime. ‘Its appalling’, said a jolly round man in a shiny, blue hat. ‘The little rascals hide the traffic cones under their Adidas hoodies, point them at people and pretend they’ve got guns. What with the majority of shop keepers being blind from years of photocopying and staring at student’s breasts, they can’t tell the difference.
Last week someone stole a whole crate of Beanos from the store on Oxford Road’
‘Why they didn’t take the Playboys is beyond me’ he added.
Since the phenomenon of cone stealing became public knowledge, authorities have also had to deal with vigilante attacks on legal cone wearers.
‘A few months ago, we had to deal with a mob of drunken students, who went looking for cone thieves’, our doughnut eating friend continued.
‘They walked into a Lord of the Rings convention and started beating on all the nerds wearing cones as wizard hats’
So students beware, if a man walks up to you offering you a good bit of cone,
don’t take it,
I fear he may try sell you a stolen cone.
Or that he’s a pervert. From Man Met.
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