Dumping a boy/girlfriend back home.

• Nothing says ‘I valued our time together’ more than a text message or email.
• Avoid writing lots as you will miss the start of Eastenders.
• Key phrases include, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “I’m gay”

Avoiding meeting someone you dislike.

• Always offer some plausible excuse as to why you couldn’t possibly meet them.
  Suggestions include:
  • “I’m so heaped under with work”,
  • “Sorry, I’m going home that weekend” or
  • “It’s my housemates birthday”
  (Might not work if you’re trying to brush off a housemate).
• If you do not wish to meet the person again
  hint at your fondness for animal cruelty, religion or cricket.
• If you wish to borrow lecture notes off this person in future, reschedule for a vague date in the future but without cementing a meeting place or time.
• Remember the phrase “Sounds like a good idea”. It ensures all bases of non commitment are touched without jeopardising the mirage of a relationship.
• Offer signs of affection like smiling or heavy petting to let the person know you still appreciate their friendship.
• Escape! Hint at a prior engagement. Look at your watch. Take sharp intakes of breath. Gesture towards a religious place of worship. Mention a doctor’s appointment for a socially unacceptable medical problem.

How to avoid conversations with randoms on a bus.

• Take preventative measures.
  Wear headphones. Read a book, newspaper or pornographic magazine.
• Speak to yourself.
  Speak to yourself in tongues. Sound angry, Russian or like a card holding member of the National Rifle Association.
• Pretend you have a small pet in your bag.
  Talk to it.
  Occasionally peer into the bag and throw in biscuits.
  If anyone asks to look, glare at them and snap
  “You’re not taking him away from me again”.
• Talk to socially unacceptable parts of your body.
  Ask them loudly how their day was. If engaged in conversation with a random, always try and ask these parts their opinion on the topic in the hand.
• If a random does try and start conversation hint at your fondness for animal cruelty, religion or cricket.

How to dodge the dreaded rounds system.

• Never let a large group of friends get in drink synch with each other.
  This increases the chance of them all finishing at once and looking expectantly at you for the next round.
  Suggest random downing challenges to some but not others.
  Drag dying or teetotal friends out as they will have a slower drinking rate.
• Under the pretence of tying a shoelace duck your head under the table to avoid being nominated for the next round.
  Stay under the table until someone has left to get the drinks.
  Always resurface with the phrase ‘I wasn’t staring at your crotch” in case people think you’re a pervert.
• Pretend to hear someone call you at the other side of the bar and go and chat to them. Naturally if a friend is watching you, pick a group of randoms and walk into their conversation laughing.
  When you mates stop looking and have gone to get the drinks, apologise and explain yourself to the group.
  Offer to buy them a round. Repeat the process. Don’t stare at any crotches.
• If called upon to get a round, single out one of your friends as a pop diva. Loudly claim their beverage demands are ridiculous and sarcastically ask if their entourage would like a drink as well.
  Further your non beer fetching cause by ranting about their demands for peach light bulbs, green curtains and a rent boy in their dressing room.
  Your friends should congratulate you for going so far in the sake of cheapness and buy your round.
  Naturally this all depends on whether you included the bit about the rent boy and how loudly you said it