Beware. This article contains severe pigeonholing of students which some sections of the soap avoiding, tax dodging and permanently lazy demographic may find offensive.
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September sees the influx of hundreds of wide-eyed, green behind the ears freshers into Manchester . Whilst the clever ones among them will have realised the real banter lies in rented homes, a large majority will trot off to the nearest halls of residence to begin their nine month stint in the cooler. We feel somewhat guilty they don’t have a clue what awaits them so we’ve done a wee little guide to give them a hand across the proverbial street. Herein lies a warning as to what kind of people you’re most likely to meet at halls, what to say to them and how to get them to leave you alone for the rest of the year.

1. Wankus Jockus.

• The wankus jockus feels undermined when it isn’t the loudest thing in the room. Watch out for loud cheering, particularly at a pub.
• In order to justify its existence and greatness above all other breathing things, the wankus jockus will pull out it’s knob at any opportunity in order to prove it is really the best thing since sliced break. Look out for other wankus jockus’ pulling on it or slapping it in each other faces.
• Bonus where’s Wally points goes to finding the symbiotic partner of the wankus jockus, the ‘netballus shortskirtus’. Usually this species follows the wankus jockus around in the hope of fathering some sort of super baby with the qualities of both species. Shame she doesn’t know about the hereditary hair loss gene yet.

How to avoid:

• Thankfully the wankus jockus tend to stick to their own and ignore all other species. Recent research into this behaviour has produced the ‘Thank God for that’ theory. If you do get the unfortunate circumstance to be engaged in conversation with the wankus jockus, try engaging him on the topic of ‘books’ or ‘films that aren’t made by Michael Bay or Joel Silver’. That should scare them away.
• Under no circumstances touch his knob.

2. The Pretentious Snoberalis

• The Pretentious Snoberalis hates the mainstream so look out for them in spots that would make them seem deep and complicated. Check the park, independent cinemas or little coffee shops that aren’t Starbucks.
• A great way to weevil out a Pretentious Snoberalis is to ask them about their music tastes. Whilst this species happily bopped to Britney before she was famous, as soon as she hit mainstream she was abandoned quicker than a litter of puppies in a council estate. The Snoberalis has specific music tastes, that is to say, anything that isn’t on radio one and they usually resort to using their ‘off the wall’ music tastes to define them.
• Check out their appearance. Any unnecessary accessories a la a French beret, a briefcase, a bowler hat or a series of band badges on their blazer t-shirt combo could possibly mean you’ve uprooted a Pretentious Snoberalis

How to Avoid:

• Hum Charlotte Church in their presence.
• Shout on about how awesome mainstream cinema/coffee shops and sweatshops in China are
• Read the Daily Sport.

3. The Computus Haxli

• Check out your surroundings. If you’re in a darkened room with the curtains drawn, you’re probably in the lair of the Computus Haxli. Other telltale signs include a large selection of obscure television shows on DVD, notably those with flying ships and people with overly large ears. Look for posters of semi naked women riding dragons. Or semi naked women with overly large ears. Or posters of Mario.
• It is a rare sight to spot a Computus Haxli out of its den and usually only occurs when a trip to Micro Direct is required for a new mouse. Therefore, look for characters hugging the shade (Computus Haxli are allergic to exposure to light. And real women), or people wearing large coats to preserve their chicken leg dignity. On the subject of fashion, people wearing T shirts with ‘comic’ slogans like ‘I haxed up your mom’ or ‘This t-shirt adds 4 points to my ability’ are also a big signpost.
• Computus Haxli tend to congregate in groups when in the open. Scientists did suggest this was an issue of protection from the Jockus Wankus predator, but more recent research have pointed towards a form of social interaction, an opportunity to discuss the latest Window’s update while their pc’s undergo their monthly defrag.

How to Avoid:

• Some key sayings to ward off potential Computus Haxli
  
  • “The Lord of The Rings was shite”
  • “Fancy a pint?”
  • “What’s an elf?”

4. The Recruitus Agentus

• Sadly they all look totally normal. However, deep inside the head of the Recruitus Agentus, they long for that free toaster. If you engage in conversation they’ll be trying to worm you into going with them to rallies, political meetings or church. Which no one enjoys.
• They carry around generic clipboards with questions on. Which they jot on every time you speak to them. About anything. It’s an aptitude test to see whether you’d be a good campaigner, protester or church goer. Many suspect the Communists and Christians to be in cahoots. This link has yet to be proven
• They smile. All the time. Except when you express an opinion. Free speech does not make for free toasters.

How to Avoid:

• Carry a shotgun around with you. No one wants rowdy folk in communion.
• Remember the magic words ‘I enjoy Trisha’. No one will mistake you for a political or religiously active person ever again.
• Read the Daily Sport.

5. The Dadius Bankus

• Lengthy conversations about the state of the British Empire, the decline of the pound and fox hunting are signs of two things. A boring conversation and the presence of a Dadius Bankus. Indeed, it has been suggested that some varieties of this animal require these inane conversations to maintain their feeling of superiority over the proletariat scum
• Lies. The Dadius Bankus must at all times stress his monetary and social superiority over those in its presence. Therefore look out for stories involving golf playing celebrities, the time Michael Winner came for supper and when the Housemaid fell down the stairs and broke her hip. A big giveaway is if the aforementioned story ends with the phrase ‘It was a jolly old laugh’
• The Dadius Bankus has been known to whine a lot. Suspect Dadius Bankus will complain about most things and then compare them to London. E.g. The weather is better/ the girls are prettier/ the land is more arable/ the people are nicer/ the people are richer/ the people bow to me when I walk down the street/ the food is nicer/ the clubs are classier/ the clothes are made better by my slave girls/ I had better friends/ I had richer friends/ The streets are paved of gold… in London.

How to Avoid:

• Pretend you’ve got leprosy or some other generic working class disease. Other examples include, typhoid, pneumonia or the black death.
• Borrow an eye piece and dress up dapper. Start a conversation with Dadius Bankus and pretend you’ve got a prosperous banking firm in the city. The Dadius Bankus will see that you’ve got this piece of land and its inhabitants in serfdom and move to an uninhabited patch.