student guide

A Guide To How to survive a hangover.

We realise that the idea of ‘just the one tonight’, or ‘my lecture isn’t until one thirty’ may not be a reoccurring stream of thought in some of you.
In fact it may be a stream so overburdened with beavers and their dam like housing that it ceases to flow and becomes dryer than an ex Eastender’s bank account.
We know that you student types tend to knock back the beer a bit and that eventually you’re going to go a bit overboard and find yourself swimming in a public fountain somewhere around campus.
Whilst we have no problems with public bathing or alcohol inducing nudity, your obvious disregard for a bath in a public fountain in Manchester probably means you’re going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning.
Thus, after you’ve bleached yourself over and kicked out the poor cat/ random you kidnapped on the drunken road home, nip back here and invest some time in the Manchester After Dark guide to hangovers.

Quite frankly, you look a little rough.

Personal safety is the first thing on your list.
Grab a couple of ibuprofens, invest in a glass of water and shut the curtains; you don’t want Mr. sun messing your head up even more.
Remove any remaining alcohol or ‘wisely’ purchased takeaway food from your room. This reduces the risk of regurgitation when you remember what sambuca smells like.

Damage control.
Check your phone. Particularly look out for dialled numbers to estranged lovers, relatives or potential spouses to be.
Check your message outbox - text messages provide a insight into how battered you were.
Use the Manchester After Dark guide to drunkenness through the medium of text messaging (we’re thinking of a catchier title) to judge how drunk you were and discover how much you need to apologise.

  • Message
    text message
    “Hi. How are you? I’m out tonight but do you want to go for a drinks sometime?”
    The MADGTDTTMOTM verdict:
    A polite text.
    Nearly grammatically perfect and any mistakes can be pinned on an undetected genetic defect.
    Good to high chance of a reply. Unless you’re really ugly.
    Embarrassment factor - nil.
  • Message:
    text message
    “I’m quht drunk. 9annt to go o8t for a drink smtime?”
    The MADGTDTTMOTM verdict:
    Painful to read although not entirely incomprehensible.
    The embarrassing disclosure of intoxication is a cringe worthy one though not necessarily a deal breaker in a return text.
    Medium to good chance of reply.
    Embarrassment factor - medium.
  • Message:
    text message
    “I lovf yot. Wgl5 v h2ve mz b2b4es”
    The MADGTDTTMOTM verdict:
    Confession of love aside, the declaration of the will to father babies is a scary if not terrifying prospect for future suitors.
    A poorly written attempt, resembling the content of a Sesame Street episode rather than a text message.
    Low chance of reply.
    Embarrassment factor - high.

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