Giving out party hats, sausages on sticks and/or having karaoke is not necessarily a catalyst for a good party.
Except maybe the sausages on sticks; everyone loves those.
In today’s fast paced, Mercedes driving world, handing out Ferrero Roche and hoping your party is going to be a hit just won’t cut it.
Why do you think the ambassador is now living in a semi in Bolton?
A good house party is a delicate mix of ingredients and you’ll need to be on the ball if you don’t want to be kicking the cat out and putting the bolt on the door by ten thirty. Here’s a list of what your house party needs to have if you don’t want to eventually live in Bolton.
The horror.
The horror.

Every generic student party needs some kind of generic punch.
It really doesn’t matter what you decide to put into it and as long as it doesn’t turn mud coloured, you can stick a ladle and a pile of plastic cups next to it and watch it magically vanish.
If by some axis of evil it does turn a shade of murky brown, stick some mugs next to it and sell it as ‘funky coffee’.
The funky suggests a mysterious ‘c’ class ingredient
Watch it fly off the shelves.

For marketing campaigns we’ve included a cut out sign for you to put next to it.

False advertising my ass.

One of the main problems with student parties is the branching-off of friendship groups. Although all the lovely females might like some girly time alone in a bedroom, it thins the party crowd and makes the men look gay.
Especially the ones queuing for the punch.
Whilst that damn Geneva thing prevents us from locking up people in a room against their will, there is another solution to the problem of keeping the party in the same place.

Tasers.

A small security presence armed with the latest in crowd control technology will happily keep a party swinging.
The prevention of people braking away from the main party will leave everyone smiling. Ish.
Unless they have to go to the bathroom.
If you can’t afford the small fee asked by the French army (and it’s not like they’ve got anything better to do) there is a cheaper solution available.
Take a trip to your local diy home store and purchase some of that nasty smelling stuff that keeps cats from whizzing on plants.
On return to the home, spray said product over the parts of the house you don’t want the party to extradite to.
The stench of wet dog should keep the partygoers in the right place.
And more importantly, for the small cost of an extractor fan, having a good time. Alternatively, and for a much lower cost, rent the French border control guards to stop people breaking out of the country party areas,
though we’re not certain there’s a money-back guarantee on that plan.

When you run a student party you also run the risk of running out of alcohol.
Indeed, the decline of the alcohol supply is a crisis akin to Cowell running out of fake tan lotion or Blair running out of things to lie about.

Can I have a job with you guys then?

Bottom line. You run out of alcohol, you’re sunk quicker than you can say… Tony? We're sinking!

Good Lad!

Anyway, always make sure you have enough pop to satisfy the masses.
Ensure people bring their own beer and don’t steal yours. Write threatening invites to put across this point.
Though we’d advise you not to write invites, people always assume they’re flyers for the next socialist meeting.

On the subject of invites… If you must write them, ensure they look kinda cool. Something with a lot of flare, graphics and style.
Take a look at the Manchester After Dark and Tony’s efforts as an example.

Tony's Invite

The Manchester After Dark verdict
Tony. That’s shit
Are those meant to be balloons? They look like sperm.
No wonder you never get anyone to come to your parties.
3/10

The Manchester After Dark invite
The Manchester After Dark verdict
Perfect.
Admittedly there isn’t a date or location on it, but with so many cool graphics who needs them?
Who wouldn’t like to go to this adrenaline fun filled fest?
10/10

So them’s the basics to running a successful student party.
Have a good time.
We expect a super cool invite in the mail and a box of cakes from Firkins.
Oh sod that.
We’ll send Tony.

You know, this is QUITE demeaning for an ex-head of state!

Want to go back in the box?

Three chocolate éclairs and a sticky bun isn't it?

Good Monkey!