See that Lloyd Grossman cookbook in your packing box?
Yeah, that one.
Chuck it.
Or throw it out your window at someone you don’t like.
Whatever.
The same goes for Nigella Lawson, Delia Smith and Jamie Oliver books.
Though if you have any Jamie Oliver cookbooks stand under the window and let a mate throw it at you.
For karma.
You won’t need any of these, well not until you leave university with a third, can’t find work and need to build a little house out of them.
At university, there’s only one kind of cooking regime you’ll need and it’s something we proudly call The After Dark Diet.

We appreciate that many of you like to drink. As students it is your calling. Or at least a nice way to pass the time between sleep and lunch.
Anywho, gambling with the demon drink can have it’s consequences and many a washboard stomach has been moulded into a fine set of jelly rolls because of a lack of exercise, an excess of Jesus juice and a couple of hamburgers too many at McDonalds. As we despise exercise, and hunt down the man that delivers Men’s Health, we were forced to devise a way where food and drink could co exist in harmony. And thus the After Dark diet was born.

Now, in order to participate in the After Dark diet, you need to do a little bit of maths. However, as this is a calculator exam, we’ll let you drag out the Casio from it’s dusty A level grave to cheat on your sums. Far from using the internet just for porn, today we looked up the recommended calorie intake per day for a man or a woman. Trada.

Next up, we’ll look at the calorie content of a pint of beer and a glass of wine.

Hurrah. That’s less that 8% of your daily calorie intake.
Now, as students you have to multiply this by at least 6. Because you like the taste. Therefore…

So if by reason you’re going to eat 6 pints in a night you’re having about 43% of your recommended calorie intake. If you’re on the Lambrini, you’ve got a better deal having only polished off a mere 27%.

By the electrifying power of mathematics we can now work out how many calories you’ve got to play with in a day, thus leading a healthy balanced lifestyle whilst still keeping those guns for muscles you’re got on your arms.
Alas we’ve got to take away some necessities first...

Having shown six pints the door, you’re going to be a tad peckish and there are too many kebab shops around Manchester for you to resist the overpowering smell of old meat and cahrobohydrates. Minus 610 calories for that cheeseburger or kebab. Alternatively if you fancy a pizza strike off 875 calories.
So if you’ve chosen the pizza for a bit of home time munchies, you’ve already used up 1967 (blokes) and 1397 (ladies) of your daily calorie intake.
So what have you got left to play with for the day...

With this in mind we’ve prepared a list of suitable meals for you guys to play around with, along with their calorie content.

Have fun.

• Hubba Bubba chewing gum, 1 stick, 23 calories
• An Apple, green, 75 calories
• Bread, white, 1 Slice, 70 calories
• Water biscuits, 1, 30 calories
• Chocolate chip cookie, 1, 48 calories.
• Anchovies, 5 of them, 45 calories
• Um, water, from a tap. 0 calories.

So there you have it, a wide variety of food that you can happily enjoy without ever having to compromise your enjoyment of beer for that smaller gut. We hope you enjoy your time on the After Dark diet and wish you a long and happy life to liver disease.

Disclaimer: Manchester After Dark takes no responsibility for newbies who try the After Dark Diet. Regular exercise such as chasing the guy who delivers Men’s Health is always the best way to keep trim.
And no one should eat anchovies.

Ever.