University is all about fresh starts.
(This is ironic as most halls don’t have too many washing machines).
Going to a new city gives most people the chance to cast off any unwanted baggage and this ultimately means that you will no longer be burdened with the nicknames that plagued you through secondary school.
From this day forth you will never be remembered as the student that called their history teacher mommy. This is your chance for a clean slate.

With this chance, many people like to take the idea of change a step further and completely reinvent themselves.
Indeed, this can be for many reasons, be it a social change, an interesting experiment or simply because it’s an excuse to go out and buy new clothes.
Unfortunately most people will eventually muck this up by either admitting something (“But Buffy is a good show”), wearing the wrong things (“But GQ told me argyle was in this year”), or generally doing something out of your new character (“But you’ve never expressed an interest in Take That before”)
Whilst the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would flee at such a challenge, Manchester After Dark boldly steps into the frame to ensure you never mess up your new image and that no one ever finds out that you used to suck your thumb at secondary school.

Follow our rules for maintaining a successful new identity and no one will be any the wiser.

Step One: Get a hat.
A lot can be done with a hat.
With a hat, you instantly know where you are. It’s like a signpost to things. See a police hat; you know you’re in the company of the old bill. See a builder’s hat; you know you’re by a building site and copies of the Sun. See a hat with corks on, you’re in Neighbours. The point is people judge you by your headwear. Your hat reflects your personality. Indeed, if you wish to reinvent yourself a hat is necessary, nay crucial. In order to keep your new identity never take off your hat.
Ever.

What your hat says about you

French Beret
Pretentious. Arty. Writes painful poetry. French. Enjoys striking and losing the Olympics.
Cap
Scally. Enjoys running around with electrical equipment. Hereditary hair loss.
Mitre
Deeply religious. High centre of gravity.
Woolly Russian hat
Enjoys ridiculously cold temperatures. Russian. Enjoys the bear hunting. A fan of meat plates.
A hat from AU
Enjoys going to the Athletics Union nights.
Bless.

Step two. An accessory.

In order to define your new identity you need to carry about some sort of paraphernalia. If you enjoy conning people into thinking you’re a DJ always wear a pair of headphones. Even in the shower. If you’d like to convince people you’re actually a big name celebrity, sellotape a mobile phone to your face and pretend you are always having a conversation with some big name movie producer.

Step three. It’s all in the language.

You need to start speaking like your identity.
Thus it’s always best to practice key phrases your new character would be likely to say. For example, if you want to become a goth you should learn key phrases like…
“I’m unique and special”,
“I hate my life” and
“no one understands me”.
Similarly you should also remember things your new identity would never say…
“I’m slightly chipper today”,
“have you heard the new number one” and
“I think it’s too warm for my black leather coat” being among the few big no-nos.

Step four. Perfect the accent.

Those of you hoping to give the impression you’re from another country may have the biggest struggle. If you do chose to speak away from your made up mother tongue always include an accent.
Traces of a Edinburgh accent tends to raise eyebrows.
If you don’t think you can maintain the charade, employ a friend to translate for you or purchase a mobile chalkboard for communication.
Naturally, the benefit of citizenship to Masonia or any other made up country is that you don’t necessary have to understand the English language.
An utterance of a series of made up words can not only end any awkward conversations about the legitimacy of your country of origin but also win you over some charming friends.

Step five. Invent a web of lies.

If you think that people will doubt the legitimacy of your identity based on your appearance, it’s probably best to lie.
Lies work best when you believe them yourself.
Indeed, if you can happily see yourself winning gold in the junior athletics championship for Russia then it probably did happen!!
It is imperative that you ensure your new friends never come in contact with people from your past and whilst murdering all those who would collapse your web of lies is frowned upon, it isn’t illegal.
Take that shovel and go wild.